Being married is a good thing, and it’s good for you. Studies show married men are healthier and live longer than men who aren’t. Still, as we get older and more set in our routines, making sure to have sex that is regular, intimate, appreciated, and communicative is key to making a marriage last. Here, we explore the vital role of sex, and tips for spicing up sexless marriage that will both reignite passion and improve closeness between you and your partner.
Benefits of sex.
Release the oxytocin. One reason spicing up sexless marriage is important is because of its effect on the body. Oxytocin is a hormone produced by both men and women’s bodies when they orgasm. Known as the “love hormone,” it can trigger feelings of relaxation, trust, and psychological stability that people associate with long-lasting relationships. The more we have sex and release this stimulating hormone, the greater our feelings of love grow. Simply: More sex can feel like more love.
Relieve stress. This feel-good oxytocin can also help reduce stress. Sources indicate that sexual arousal stimulates the “reward and pleasure” system of the brain, relieving anxiety and promoting overall health. With regular, purposeful sex, you may find yourself less occupied with the stressors in life – work, household duties, children, bills – and more focused on the physical act of being together. By prioritizing sex, you’ll be calmer and in a better place in your relationship.
Build intimacy. While sex is intimate, there is a difference between sex and intimacy. Good sex requires you to be in the moment, with your partner, with your head in the game. You can increase intimacy by spending time together before you have sex, talking, and making each other laugh. During sex, you can:
- Minimize distractions
- Talk to each other
- Make eye contact
- Change positions
- Touch each other more often
- And try new adventures together
After sex, you can increase intimacy by taking the time to cuddle and hold each other. You’ll find sex is more pleasurable, and you will be more connected and bonded with your partner.
Boost confidence. Finally, good sex makes you feel good about your partner, yourself, and your relationship. It’s essentially a workout, so you’re burning calories and taking care of yourself physically. You’re releasing oxytocin and relieving stress, so you feel better emotionally. You’re satisfying your partner so you gain a sense of pride. And you’re making your partner feel wanted and attractive, so chances are the feelings are reciprocated. All this leads to increased confidence that not only improves your overall mood but increases your libido. What this means is that good sex leads to more sex.
But how can I start having sex again in the first place?
It is a fact of life that having sex for years with the same partner can get repetitive and predictable. Habits and routines get established, and it’s natural to want to add some newness and excitement to the relationship. Fortunately, there are many ways to do this. These tips for spicing up sexless marriage can help bring the passion back.
Work out regularly. A lot of the reason the passion leaves sex is that the frequency ends as well. Having sex more often can make you want sex more often, and regular exercise can help that. Working out improves your health, alleviates stress, and boosts your self-confidence. When you feel better about yourself, you’re more inclined to want to experiment, try new positions, and just be more sexual – all things that reinvigorate your sex life.
Give each other space. While spending quality time together can improve intimacy and strengthen your relationship, there’s something to be said for giving both of you a chance to miss each other. Sources say too much closeness can stifle desire. If you’re used to calling each other throughout the day and sharing every little detail, hold back a bit and give each space to come back together.
Get a hold of anger. Anger, resentment, irritation, annoyance – they can all build up over time and wreak havoc on your sex life. It’s hard to want to relight the spark when you’re still bothered by something your partner did today, or last week, or last year. At the same time, your partner could be harboring resentment toward you, and may not be receptive to new efforts. If you’re feeling anger in the relationship, dig deep. Communicate, get it out in the open, or seek counseling if needed. Letting go of pent-up feelings is essential to improving your marriage and improving married sex.
Plan for it. Sex that is planned or even scheduled often gets a bad rap. But in reality, planning for it can be just as sexy. It moves the focus away from spontaneity, which is often not realistic or preferred the older we get. Instead, it creates anticipation. Knowing it’s going to happen can add to the arousal, making you both more eager and excited. Planning sex also makes it more likely that you’ll do it, which helps you control the frequency.
Have morning sex. Finally, aim to have sex first thing in the morning. Sources say it’s the time when cortisol is at its peak, so you have the most energy. It also releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, that can help set the tone for the rest of the day. If you’re not in the mood, just start and your libido will follow.
Have a quickie. The quickie, a term used to describe a brief episode of sexual activity that finishes in a short amount a time, has always been a favorite. A quickie is fast and often spontaneous, and can quickly add fun and excitement to the act. Moreover, it doesn’t have the pressures of build-up, or allow time for anxiety or stress about performance. If you haven’t had sex in a while – or do not have it very often – a quickie can get you back in action without the risk of overthinking.
Explore other forms of intimacy.
As you focus on ways to bring back sex to your marriage, it can also be wise to focus on other aspects of your relationship. Instead of having better sex to make you closer, consider how getting closer will lead to better sex. Simply put: If you improve the relationship, you may improve relations everywhere else.
Show you care. A way to start is to simply show you care. Slow down, listen to your partner, and ask about your partner’s day. Do something that makes their day easier. Help out just because. And take the time to reconnect and be present for them. Intimacy and trust start to happen long before you get to the bedroom. They begin when your partner knows how much you love them.
Focus on the foreplay. Another way to show you care is slowing down and remembering foreplay. This does not have to mean your old go-to moves. It can mean mixing up the routine. One source recommends improving foreplay by playing an erotic game together, talking “dirty” to each other, or incorporating the use of oils or flavored products. These methods create opportunities to laugh, learn, and get reacquainted, which all works to improve your relationship.
Communicate. This caring and foreplay will likely bring out another strong component in improving your relationship, and thus your sex life: Communication. Make efforts to talk to each other regularly, and not just about surface, logistical aspects of your life. Engage in a meaningful conversation. Share your feelings and be an active listener – and not an active “fixer” if your partner vents about a problem.
Share something new. With a nurtured relationship, you may find the openness and confidence to suggest a new adventure, which can add spice to your sex life. You can get closer by getting away from it all on a second honeymoon. Or try mixing up your routine in the bedroom by introducing an erotic game or adult toy, such as a penis ring.
Spicing up sexless marriage is about good sex and sexual satisfaction, but it’s also about coming together and getting closer. And it is possible to have better sex no matter your age or what you’ve experienced your marriage. Take the opportunity to release oxytocin, relieve stress, build intimacy, and boost confidence. You and your partner will be glad you did. And to get even more from your sex life, download our free ebook, All-Natural Ways to Achieve and Keep the Best Erections of Your Life.