The key to any good relationship – and good sex – is communication. If you're having problems in the bedroom or if you’re experiencing challenges to your health and lifestyle, talking about any issues and tackling them head on is the best and fastest way to deal with them. At the same time, when it comes to how to please a woman in bed, it’s important that you are both comfortable talking about what you both want. These tips can help you get the conversation started and begin your journey back to a healthy and satisfying sex life.
If you’re having problems…
As you start talking, the first thing you’ll want to address is whether you’re having difficulties, whether it’s with intimacy, erectile dysfunction, or returning to sex after prostate removal. These pointers can help.
Set up a meeting. With all that's going on in life, we rarely have time to have an actual face-to-face conversation. Treating your relationship as a priority, like you would your job, can be a step forward in addressing problems. Set up an actual meeting time with your wife, come prepared with what you want to talk about, don't cancel or reschedule it, and be ready to talk.
Have a talking stick. While this may seem like a juvenile way to handle things, you'd be surprised and how often a couple interrupts each other during a conversation, effectively bringing things to a halt. Having a talking stick enables you to clearly communicate what it is you want to say without being cut off.
Seek outside help. Odds are if you can't talk to your wife about sex, the last thing you want to do is bring a stranger into the conversation; but seeing a therapist or counselor together can often help. You consult experts all the time about their areas of expertise, from lawyers to mechanics, so why not consult an expert about marriage and relationships? By introducing an impartial third party you'll be getting expert advice.
Write down everything you want to say. Often times when we get into a conversation we forget about something we wanted to ask. This is even more probable when it's an emotionally charged conversation. By writing down exactly what topics you want to cover and what your thoughts and feelings are, you'll have a solid physical reminder to address these issues here and now.
Watch your "you"'s. When having an emotional conversation, it's easy to try to pass the buck to the other party, or at least it might seem that way to them. By starting a sentence with "you," you are indirectly placing blame on your wife and might cause her to feel attacked and blamed, making her shut down. Instead of saying something like "you always criticize me," try something like "I feel criticized a lot at home." That way you're making it about you and your feelings, not blaming her.
If you’re looking for improvement...
Once you’ve addressed any issues “in the bedroom,” you can start exploring how to please a woman in bed in other ways.
It’s good to remember: While physical performance is important, what’s more essential is the relationship and the intimacy – the emotions, and not the motion. Women have more on their minds than your penis when it comes to being satisfied in the bedroom. Focusing on these body communication tips can help.
Make her feel wanted. Women like to feel sexy and wanted! This means better sex can start anywhere, by letting her know you can’t wait to get your hands on her. Kiss her neck when she least expects it. Give her a squeeze when no one is looking. It will start building the excitement and set the stage for better sex.
Undress her slowly. When you’re ready, make it a sensual encounter for both of you. Slowly take off her clothes and build the anticipation. You’ll make her feel sexier, and you’ll bring more passion to the scene.
Use toys. Don’t be threatened, or worse – insulted – by the suggestion of adult toys and enhancements. They are not meant to replace you – they’re meant to add to the experience with you. Suggest pulling out her favorite one, or go shopping together for something new.
Focus on the journey – not the destination. Although everyone likes to orgasm, it shouldn’t be the focus. Slow down, touch, and explore. Linger on the sensations in the body, and the effect you’re having on each other.
Don’t be so polite. While of course it’s important to be safe and respectful, this is not the place for “please” and “thank you.” Don’t get hung up on manners when you tell her what you want to do, or what you’d like her to do.
Take control. Along those lines, don’t be a meek mouse, when she’s looking for a passionate lion. Don’t be afraid to be assertive.
Spice it up. It’s natural to lose some of the spark over time and get into stale routines. Be open to things that will add excitement to the bedroom. Massage oils, role playing, game cards, or even lingerie can add spice to your relationship and lead to better sex.
Make it all about her. Again, she wants to feel wanted and sexy. Take the time to make her feel special, and really listen to what she wants you do to do – then do it!
Be open to oral sex. Take your time with this – Don’t make her feel rushed or like you’re doing her a huge favor. It may take her time to get into the groove, and for you to get the moves down right.
Kiss her. Not a peck, and not a brushing of the lips in passing. Kissing releases chemicals that play a role in attraction, and women have been known to consider kissing when assessing potential mates. Get back to the heart of your relationship and make out with her like you did when you were dating.
Remember her whole body.
As you incorporate these new strategies into your routine, always keep in mind that making love is about the whole body, and the answer to how to please a woman in bed is to focus on all of her.
Eyes. In songs, in romance novels, and in the movies: What do people talk about? They swoon about the way their partners look at them. Real intimacy and sexiness happens when you slow down and look into your partners’ eyes. Gaze at them like you are almost drinking them in. Use your eyes to convey how beautiful you think your partner is and how much you want them.
Mouth. This is not about kissing or oral sex. People often see themselves how other people see them – so this is about complimenting your partner. Let them know they look amazing, they smell incredible, or they’re doing something perfect. Whatever it is – keep talking. Your partner will grow more and more confident and may surprise you by reciprocating thoughts of their own.
Ears. This means to listen to your partner. Start before you even get to the bedroom by listening to their stories about their day, their challenges, or the funny thing that happened at the bank. Once in the bedroom, keep listening – not just to what they say, but what they do. Your partner may not recite “Do this..” or “Do that…” But you may hear groans, murmurs, or heavier breathing. By listening to everything, you’ll be able to know what your partner wants and to respond accordingly.
Hands. Better sex comes from touching. Cuddling and snuggling releases the “love hormone” known as oxytocin, which plays an important role in bonding and orgasms. Aim to touch your partner everywhere. Even slow down and experiment with massage oils and gels. You will literally feel your connection, and the entire sexual experience will be richer and enhanced.
Feet. Finally, using your feet means getting on your feet and helping your partner before the subject of sex even comes up. Your partner can’t open their heart and body for great sex if they’re thinking about the lawn you didn’t mow, or the bill you didn’t pay. Be a partner to your partner. Run an errand, stop by the grocery store – let them know they’re not in this alone. It will increase their respect and appreciation for you. And this will translate into a better relationship both in and out of the bedroom.
Everyone appreciates good sex, and your partner is no exception. If you’ve undergone health challenges, remember what makes sex good: Your connection, your intimacy, and the way you feel when you’re together. To learn more about how to please a woman in bed, browse our blogs. For more information on how to return to amazing sex – even after prostate cancer – and how to have better sex no matter your age, download our free ebook.